Visit to Hell

I was screaming before I even came into awareness. As soon as I woke, I immediately rolled into a fetal, protective position and  cried out over and over again. I felt like someone was gutting me with a dull knife. I saw the railing on the bed and felt the presence of many people around me. I heard "Push the button! Push the button!" and I realized there was something in my right hand. I started pushing the tip of it over and over and over again, wanting nothing but relief, crying out with everything that was in my heart.

Someone was trying to roll me over onto my back. I refused. Hands were grasping at me...then I heard "STOP PUSHING THE BUTTON! Your BP is dropping." and someone ripped the button out of my hand. I thought "but the pain isn't going away."

I passed out.

The next thing I became aware of was moving quickly. Immediately we passed over the threshold of some fire doors and I cried out again. Thinking back, I believe they were rushing so fast to get me up to my room before I woke back up again...before the pain started back. There was no button in my hand. I remember the feeling of the walls rushing past me. My hands instinctively went to protect my stomach again and I rolled slightly to the right.

And I passed out again.

I came to once more in mid-air. There was no support underneath me. They were moving me from the gurney to the bed. I knew Eric was there...at the foot of the bed. It was all in slow motion. I didn't see anything...I couldn't hear anything, but I felt fear around me - not my fear. The button was put back in my hand, but I passed out before I could push it. Eric later told me he thought I screamed when they moved me to the bed.

My pain scale of 1-10 just grew by leaps and bounds. This was how my first day of major surgery ended. I woke later, but not for long.

The TV was on and Eric was suddenly standing over me. I think I managed a smile. I felt his hand in mine or mine in his, really. I remember nurses coming and going...blood pressure cuffs.

January 12, 2009. What a sucky day that was.